The Apocryphon of the Sacred Coffee

From the writings of Liza Anderson:

It is a sad calamity of modern church life that some parishes/parishioners/services (which shall not be named) neglect the practice of the Most Sacred Rite of Coffee Hour. Clearly they have forgotten the Apocryphon of the Sacred Coffee, an ancient text discovered in 16th century England and included as an appendix to the first Book of Common Prayer- newly revised from last year's publication after the discovery of more manuscripts! 

"And lo, it came to pass that after Christ and his apostles had partaken of the Last Supper, our Lord's disciple Mary Magdalene emerged from the kitchen with the sacred coffee urn, containing a delicious caffeinated beverage. But Peter, James, and John did protest: "Nay, Lord! For behold,the hour is very late. It is not an appropriate time for coffee! Moreover, now that the sacred meal has finally ended, we want to immediately rush outside and promptly forget this mysterious sacrament of unity that has just happened! We earnestly desire not to linger over a warm beverage, lest we be compelled to *talk* to one other!" But our Lord said only: "Yeah.....Trust me, guys... This is going to be a Really Long Night.....!" Alas, however, Peter, James, and John refused to partake of the sacred coffee, and thus they repeatedly fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane, rather than watching and praying! 

Therefore, in remembrance of this, the members of the Anglican Church must never fail to partake of the sacred coffee which, according to our Lord's most holy institution, must always be offered after each celebration of the Holy Eucharist, forever and ever, Amen." "But wait!" the people of the 8am service did protest. "Surely there is an exemption for those who go to mass at 8:00. For everyone knows that the 8:00 service was invented for introverts - and anyway, no one should have to speak at that hour of the morning. Because....well...because they haven't had their coffee or breakfast yet?" And the theologians replied: "This argument is unsound. However, in our judgment, those who find talking to other people more challenging may partake of Irish coffee instead, as a concession to their human weakness." And the Church of England did protest: "But verily, our coffee is extraordinarily bad, for we do earnestly believe that Nescafe is real coffee! Perhaps we might have Tea Hour instead?" And the theologians replied: "It is permissible to offer tea alongside of, but not instead of, the coffee. For you now live in an age of globalization, and are therefore without excuse. Such instant "coffee" is akin to electric "candles", and by extension must be just as zealously shunned by all true Anglicans."